Trust: a Joy Comparable to None

So much wasted time of mediocre living only to realize that trust is a joy comparable to none.  When you finally make that choice to trust the words of your Father, even when his promise to you seems like it would be a curse, there is peace like you have never known. 

I had been fighting.  I didn't want to believe you because the thing you were trying to bless me with is the very thing I threw away, saying, "I don't want it!  I don't believe you can change it, and I don't want to hang my hopes there!  I have done it for too long now."  But then in my mind I saw myself believing, and hoping.  I had a vision of what it would be like to rest in you--to have a center of total peace and a countenance that draws people--so I made a decision.  I chose to believe what I thought was your voice, and Peace came over me like never before.  It was a solid confidence that my heart's desire would come true, almost as though it had already happened.

Life before was a pendulum of sorts.  Joy came to visit, but sorrow lived here.  And my strength was waning.  no focus, no purpose, no goal.  I was fading away.  But I came to trust Him... now emotions are a shallow wave on the top of the water and confidence is the depth of it.  I am growing, getting stronger, and completely in love with my Father, God.  Before I had only known what I had heard of it.  Now I live it, and there is no turning back.

My Morning

Last night I had a haunting dream of the kind I haven't had in a long while.  It was another chase dream.  We were tracking down some mentally insane man.  But the hunter became the hunted.  He was always lurking in the back or right behind me, or just out of sight.  I went down to the dock to hide in the water and when I came up to breathe, there he was in the water right in front of me, eyes filled with murderous intent.  Suddenly I felt permeated with germs and disease in the water.

I ran out onto shore and into a small, brightly lit cabin with white walls, filled with bunkbeds with white bedding.  It had a very scientific feel to it.  I was running past a bunk when a woman reached out from under the covers and grabbed my legs, "HELP ME!"  I broke free of her grasp and stopped to observe.  I didn't want her to touch me because somehow it was clear that she was a victim infected by this psychopath.  She was weak.  Her hands were all deformed and she was showing signs of transforming into some sort of other creature (think Alien and the people from I AM LEGEND).  I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how.  It was too late.  There was more running and more chasing, and then a lull.  I don't remember where I went in the dream, just that I ended up back in the cabin, with other people wanting to help this woman.  We uncovered four other women, naked and deformed, whimpering for help, one of which happened to be Sigourney Weaver (recently watched a marathon of Alien and Predator movies).  They all kept reaching for me, but I didn't want them to touch me.  They were reaching and reaching, getting closer and closer... and then I woke up.

...  Oh...  This is my life.  Time to get ready for work.  I really don't want to get up, God.  I wish we were closer.  Set my alarm again for an extra wink of sleep.  This makes me more tired, but I'm always conviced it will be better if I just sleep a little more.  It's gray outside.  No breakfast... today is the start of this month's fast.  Should I even go through with this fast?  I wonder if Zach will fast with me.  We should do it together.  He won't.  Why lead him into it?  He's not convicted to do it himself...  Memories of the night before, kissing Zach and wanting him.  I was sharing painful memories from the past, feeling sad and he held me.  Stayed up so late with him and feel like I had no sleep.  I'm still in those moments, half aware of the present.  My heart is empty.  My room is a disaster.  Stuff everywhere.  New expensive shampoo makes me feel better.  I can't wake up without this shower.  Thank God for hot water.

I'm awake now, haphazardly picking out presentable attire and brushing my hair.  That's about it.  I got ready fast this morning.  Clean out my purse full of reciepts.  Maybe I'll have time for devotion if I leave now.  Taking out the trash.  Now I'm going to Hardings to get a healthy juice.  Nope, not enough time for a devotion.

I'm at work, calculating numbers in a sea of graphs and charts.  I'm still lost in my own little world.  I don't want to go to prayer tonight.  Pastor Paul told me he feels like I'm limited in prayer when he sees me pacing back and forth in the same spot every time.  How should I pray?  How should it look?  What can I do?  I just want to go back to bed and curl up under the blankets where no one can see me, and no one will bother me.  Lord, I'm stuck.  I'm further back than I was before.  I am so lost and out of order.  Every day is a struggle in my mind.  I can't see clearly.  help me!

Changes

Perhaps I build my life on a sort of fantasy.  I imagine what my life would be like and prepare myself for that and only that: the probable and the likely.  But what if life throws you a curve?  I guess my ideas are shattered and hopes somewhat dashed; some hopes turned into different hopes.  Things are strange these days.  My life is taking a very big turn and a part of me is worried, the other part excited.  I can't see my future.  I can't look at it with a very big sense of ambition like I used to because so many things have changed that I have no clue what my life will be like even in the next few months.  God is taking me somewhere, but only revealing what's next in exciting, yet small pieces.  And where I'm going now is the last place I thought I'd be going.

I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

thought for the day

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."  -Abraham Lincoln

Mind-numbed